Obligations
One thing most people in the Puerto Vallarta tango community don’t realize is that no one is obligated to dance with them, and they are not obligated to dance with anyone either. If they actually practiced this, a bad leader would finally realize that he is a bad dancer and needs to become better, because he wouldn’t be getting all the dances he wants like he does now. The women who say yes and then bitch about him later are helping to keep him stuck. They give him no motive to change.
It’s a common thing, in tango especially but also in the world, for women to give up their power. They say, “I’m not doing anything, I’m just supposed to respond and let the man do all the work.” Well, why on earth would he, then? Is it because you’re so wonderful that he will spend years training at this frustrating dance just so you can feel good for 7 1/2 minutes? What are you offering your partner that he would be willing to spend years learning a difficult craft?
He does all the work; and if they do dance well together, she gets the reward: she looks good, feels good, and the passive dancer has put next to no effort into it. If they don’t dance well together, he gets the blame: “he’s not a good leader, he doesn’t do what I want.” But of course, this is never said to his face. What a set-up. The women who “just follow, it all depends on what he’s doing” are generally terrible dancers because they expect the guy to hold up her weight, keep her on her balance point, keep time with the music, and generally haul her as around the floor; all this just to make her feel good. Yeah, normally when a guy has to do a lot of work to make a woman feel good, she either pays him a good deal of money or she marries him, and prostitution is often illegal.
The best dancers don’t let themselves be pushed around. They move, absolutely; but they move according to their own needs, to their own sense of the music, and they don’t make the leader haul them anywhere. It’s not work to dance with a good follow.
I’ve been looking recently at why it is that someone would want to dance with me. I think it’s a good exercise, to really think about what it is that you have to offer a dance partner. It helps boost confidence, yes, but also knowing what you have to offer makes you more in control of what you’re going to give.
If you aren’t offering anything, why the hell are you dancing?
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it is difficult to claim power in tango because it is so much a man s world, and to refuse dances carries a double edge sword, reluctance to hurt anyone s feelings, and the alternative of sitting doing nothing ( a real motivator to learn to lead) a good lead makes you AWARE, aware of the music, aware of your own body and how it communicates with the partner, aware of what is happening all around you much as you see a breeze rippling across a field of tall grass. what a feeling of exhileration to be in tune with a partner, the music. to simply move from fun to drama…from tension to release to laughter all in the space of a tanda
Difficult, but highly worthwhile.
You refuse to hurt someone’s feelings, okay, but that means that you are suffering (or at least unhappy) for the tanda. And for every subsequent dance set where he asks and you don’t get to say no. Why are his feelings so much more important than yours?
And I have to say, it pretty much sucks to be a man in tango. You think he has all the power, but what he really has is all the responsibility and blame. You still move your own body, right? You still feel the music and step on the beat and get out from underfoot (or not) all on your own. If you do not do these things, which are your responsibility, then I have to do them for you *as well* as figuring out the step and worrying about who is going to crash into us.
I’m supposed to initiate the dance by asking you, but if I don’t ask and you want me to, you all talk badly about me. If I do ask and you don’t want to, you say yes and suffer, and talk badly about me later.
Yes, a good leader can *make* you do your job and give you a fun dance. But a good follower does their job without being forced; it means that a good leader is a lot more likely to want to dance with you again.
So I’ll ask again: why should a leader want to dance with you? What are you offering him? Musicality, balance, stability, steady evenly-spaced steps? Joy? Patience?
What would you like to offer?